Somehow, it came to this.

Stupid fucking pounding feeling in my stomach/guts/chest.
The most I can do to help it is either assume fetal position or continuously rub my fingers in my eyes.

But Monday I register for Landmark - planning on doing the course in December - and I feel right now, as if I need an outlet for all this stupidity festering in my brain events. Somehow, it was so much easier when my biggest "problem" was that I had to study for the GRE. And even that, I miss. I guess just the "doing something routine" is what I miss. Doing absolutely nothing and hoping for nothing - no wonder it came to this. Constant restless feeling, constantly wanting to climb shit, wanting to be active - because I do nothing.

I remember when I had mono two summers ago and Denise told me that when she had it she spent the day unable to move and then at night would get a burst of energy and drive around for one-two hours. And that's the urge of energy I've been having. All this "energy" and nothing to direct it into. The heart-pounding of wanting to "do" something and instead of following through, I've been just waiting out the feeling (usually in fetal position or in tears in the shower). In any case, it hasn't been good and frankly, I'm ridiculously sick of it. Of being "content" but not happy. Or maybe "happy' but not content.

Once again I feel as if I'm settling. It makes me hate myself, lose respect for myself and I feel embarrassed for myself each time someone asks me "What are you planning on doing after grad school?" when I haven't even applied yet, the scum I am. As now, I just close my eyes and wait for the moment to pass or imagine myself in a worse situation and then am relieved that I can simply open my eyes to escape it and nothing seems all that bad anymore.

I don't think any of this will make sense or seem real but I just needed to spit somewhere and then a voice said "right, internet"