Monday, October 17, 2011

What strange dogs.

Guinness

Foster a.k.a Spot

Skittles - possibly the greatest boy on earth

Ben - extremely camera shy but so lovey dovey

Susie - seriously born to model

Maydine - an old soul for such a young dog

Adam - a Golden Retriever trapped inside of a tiny body

Candy - a heart of gold

Petey

Abe

Coco

Mama - who won all our hearts and continues to do so every day

Blanca - a lot of attitude in not a lot of puppy

Lula - the 'worst dog ever' who stole my heart
Adoption is the only option.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Somehow, it came to this.

Stupid fucking pounding feeling in my stomach/guts/chest.
The most I can do to help it is either assume fetal position or continuously rub my fingers in my eyes.

But Monday I register for Landmark - planning on doing the course in December - and I feel right now, as if I need an outlet for all this stupidity festering in my brain events. Somehow, it was so much easier when my biggest "problem" was that I had to study for the GRE. And even that, I miss. I guess just the "doing something routine" is what I miss. Doing absolutely nothing and hoping for nothing - no wonder it came to this. Constant restless feeling, constantly wanting to climb shit, wanting to be active - because I do nothing.

I remember when I had mono two summers ago and Denise told me that when she had it she spent the day unable to move and then at night would get a burst of energy and drive around for one-two hours. And that's the urge of energy I've been having. All this "energy" and nothing to direct it into. The heart-pounding of wanting to "do" something and instead of following through, I've been just waiting out the feeling (usually in fetal position or in tears in the shower). In any case, it hasn't been good and frankly, I'm ridiculously sick of it. Of being "content" but not happy. Or maybe "happy' but not content.

Once again I feel as if I'm settling. It makes me hate myself, lose respect for myself and I feel embarrassed for myself each time someone asks me "What are you planning on doing after grad school?" when I haven't even applied yet, the scum I am. As now, I just close my eyes and wait for the moment to pass or imagine myself in a worse situation and then am relieved that I can simply open my eyes to escape it and nothing seems all that bad anymore.

I don't think any of this will make sense or seem real but I just needed to spit somewhere and then a voice said "right, internet"

Sunday, September 11, 2011

throwback.

"He said we are always running towards money but he believes we should be running toward other things. Then he drew a heart"



Oh, Carlton James. You fantastic human being.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

rainy morning haiku

Walking to the bus 
Gardener is gardening
Oh, the smell of dirt


(was walking to the bus this morning and, just that)

"But today I'm entering a second childhood, at least as far as plants are concerned" - The Secret Life of Plants

A life-changing book, really. And a pleasant intermission from the horror of losing all my books when the basement flooded. This one, from 1973 (!) happened to have been in my bag during the move instead of in the boxes and boxes of ruined literature. Brain events, come back to me.

On another note, my friend Alex showed me this video during the hurricane. It transformed into a brain event of ridiculous proportions and hasn't left my mind.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Lucid Dreaming

I have been attempting lucid dreaming in the past couple weeks. Turns out having a fever is highly conducive to this process. I am debating on starting a dream log and I actually have the perfect little "reporter's notebook" for it that I used to write things Mike used to say down in. Random small facts that I didn't want to forget like how when we once played played the card game where each party puts a card on their forehead and they have to guess who has the bigger/smaller number - and I had guessed we both had 7's (randomly) and we both had 7's and it was scary.

Dream log. I will start you. Additionally, surprisingly there is a Golden Rain Tree a block away from where I live. Greenpoint seems to be drowning in them and now I have spotted one in Marine Park! So far I've only seen them up to the yellow pods, I'm wondering if they're going to change colors? Still refusing to Google this, I'd rather just see it for what it is on it's own time.

I should have really done this when I first decided to start trying to have lucid dreams but the lazy factor kicked in. Let's see what happens.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Bucket List.

Fakeout!

See.

Cirque-du-Soleil
Pink Floyd - Waters/Gilmour/Mason
Modest Mouse
The Cure
Consider the Source
Fleet Foxes
Radiohead
The Eels
Andrew Bird
Florence & The Machine
The Flaming Lips
Norah Jones
Easy Star All-Stars
MGMT
The Pixies

Meet.

Thom Yorke
David Sedaris
Chuck Palahniuk
Jonathan Safran Foer
Jean Donaldson
Ian Dunbar
Karen Pryor
Patricia McConnell
George R.R. Martin
Brian Gooding



Go.

To Burning Man
To Africa.
To Madagascar
To Stormking Park
Camping
To KSP
Grand Canyon
Niagara Falls
Alaska
Vermont
Texas
New Orleans
The Barnes Foundation, before it gets eaten.


Experience.

Learn French
Skydive
Scuba Dive
Fly in a Helicopter
Horsebackriding on the Beach
Yoga
Watch a Gabe guitar lesson
Vegetarianism/Veganism for a month


Do.

Write a book.
Make a website.
Garden/Orchard
Get my B.S.
Get a PhD
Go to Veterinary School
Adopt a big, old, ugly black dog.
Adopt a border collie
Adopt a greyhound
Adopt a German Shepherd
Adopt a horse
Have a therapy certified dog and visit hospitals/nursing homes.
Get married & have a child.
Take the GRE's
Buy a new laptop.
Buy a nice lens.
Buy a nice external flash.
Ride a Mechanical Bull
Plant a Tree
Learn Sign Language
Learn to play sitar
Learn to play piano
Learn to play violin

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

the G train is "G"

Before working at Unleash I never had the honor of taking the G train anywhere. Honestly I didn't really even know the G (or Greenpoint) existed. That's an exaggeration. I knew they existed in the same way that I know that Saturn or Fruit Flies or Aye-Aye's exist. Sure I know they're there (on some deep level of brain function) but I don't spend time actively thinking about their existence and therefore in a way they don't exist in my brain on a day-to-day basis. Where am I going with this?

While on the G train I get stupid random thoughts that plague my brain which is pretty much why I decided to start using this "blog" as a depository for brain events.

Two small thoughts I recently had on the train:

1. Everyone looks normal and I keep forgetting that I'm a human being
2. The Broadway stop on the G reminds of of aging